My Horns

Guess what?

 I’m horny.



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First Date

Date 1

Nationality: Mixed (Chinese + Indian)

Looks: Bald (He said it’s his fashion statement. These days you really can’t tell if its really that or he’s actually follically challenged)

Personality: Assertive, Funny & probably an Alpha-Male

Age: 36

Occupation: Lecturer

Looking for: A woman to stimulate both his heads

Performance in bed: Didn’t find out. We didn’t go beyond dinner.

Result: He thinks I have shifty eyes and that to him indicated lack of sincerity. In my defense, I didn’t know which head to look at.


NEXT PLEASE.



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Battle Armour

This is my trustworthy first-date dress.

A red sweetheart neckline to barely show my cleavage as I leaned over to grab that salt over his side, a full skirt that graces the top of my knees and a black belt to cinch my waist.

My first-date dress. Or what I’ll prefer to really call it – My Battle Armour.

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26 words

My entire office was shaken by my screams this morning.

I swear I wasn’t exaggerating. My joy exploded inside me and I couldn’t hold it in. This is even better than the couple who won 100 million pounds. SOMEONE REPLIED TO MY ONLINE PROFILE!!!

Bring out the wedding kit! Where should I hold my wedding dinner?! Oh dear! I need to lose weight fast! I should pick up names for our children now! Is my current savings enough for their tertiary education?

Wait…is that my biological clock or my desperado-self speaking? More like my burning loins.

ANYWAY, MOVING ON, here’s the perfect 26 words to brighten up the first day of the rest of my life. I am soooooo in love….


Hi, read your profile.

Hope we can make a couple...

BTW, Im not a chatter box, but I can talk about any subject under the sky.


Hope we can make a couple….He’s thinking along the same lines as me… Awww…..Is this love or what…?


Love,
Esther Nook – smitten by a 26-word email



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10 days and counting...

It’s been 10 days since I’ve posted my online dating profile and so far, nothing.

And I thought my profile photo of a big pair of granny’s briefs will be a natural ice-breaker.

I was so wrong. I should have put a photo of a G-string.



Or maybe Angelina Jolie.



And so, I keep on waiting.


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My First Date

I was only 14 and he was 15. He was a senior in my school - a geek who wore spectacles. This was the time when geeks are not ruling the world yet. There’s nothing cool about him. But I saw his pair of beautiful eyes behind those thick spectacles.

I received a call from him one day wanting to be friends. He had a funny voice and sounded like Donald Duck. Maybe it was the Disney-fetish but I was actually interested. He said he was attracted to me at the very first sight.

Of course I didn’t believe him. I was a skinny, plain girl then. (how I've actually put on a gazillion pounds over 13 years, I'll never understand)

Anyway, we went out for awhile. I gave him my first kiss on a double-decker bus. It was a rainy day and the kiss was wet and warm. I have better kisses as I grow up but somehow, you will never forget your first.

We broke off a few months later as he thought I was too wilful. The Bitch in me was being born then. I couldn’t get over him and badgered him to return. He agreed but only in exchange for the premature abortion of the Bitch-in-me. I agreed to change and we got back again. A few months later, he stopped calling suddenly. No action. No word. No closure. This Geek gave birth to the darker side of me.

It took me a year to get over him. After which, I always have a thing for geeks in spectacles. With my virginity intact, my 15-year-old self roamed the world swearing off any guys who hated the Bitch in me. Love me, love my Bitch.


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Online Dating Profile

Here’s my online dating profile on Match.com.

I have to down 2 glasses of vodka before I finally decide to create this profile.

This is Esther Nook – the lovely, innocent single girl looking for love.

I am so going to hell for lying. Somebody get me a 3^rd glass of vodka, please.

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Guys I Won't Date

Ever read the book Undateable? Here’s my own list.

Guys I will never ever date (even if I am only virgin woman left on Earth):

Guys who smoke
Guys who dress like gays or hip hop dancers
Guys with body odor
Guys with a wandering eye
Guys with too much hair (anywhere else but the head)
Guys with too little hair (on the head. Umm…the head on top, not the one below)


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